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A apple a day keeps the doctor away - Jai MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught. GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail. EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin. MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it. DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching. DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and I hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts. DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way. PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again. CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged if nothing is on view. The valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat. RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day. SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside. EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid. SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you". MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a sodding dodgem car anyway. ANGLERS: Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and "fish" for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep-net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day. SINGLE MEN: Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV while trying to watch something on Discovery Wings. TIGHT-ARSED blokes: Only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will have chucked you. BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan. SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes. McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows. A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers. AMERICANS: Save valuable time by not pending "God bless America" to your every sentence. TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind folk with pointy sticks. WHEN visiting a motorway service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment. CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack. HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone. SKY TV viewers: Avoid repetitive strain injury by holding down the "prog+" button on your remote control and taping your finger in place. YOUNG mothers: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist. PHILANDERERS: Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by having flings only with girls who have the same name as your wife. FOOTBALLERS: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended. HORSE whisperers: Speak louder. The animals will hear you more clearly, thus speeding up training times. FEMALE shop assistants: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them s50 labour costs for the transaction. SINGLE MEN: Fool folk into thinking you've got a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with loads of bags WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red I wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains. Never eat yellow snow - top tip The Trucker's Hitch Why not go and see Richard's page. I can imagine myself walking in the sunset, holding hands and smiling. Hearing the crash of the waves as a gentle breeze flows through my body and hair. Walking miles and miles, while the moon rises high into the sky. The whole world is asleep, but I am the only one living a dream. The graceful peace, settling into my heart. For once I actually feel alive. This is what it should feel like. This is how you're supposed to live. A longing sense of comfort, as we lay on the sand staring into the night sky, the stars become brighter and multiply. Soon enough, the dark sky is brightened by each star's shine. We close our eyes, hand in hand and lie in a moment of silence when all we can hear in the background is the calm waves alining upon the shore and the light night breeze. We make a wish and lie together in a few more moments, appreciating eachother for everything we are. We then both open our eyes to the diamond-like sky, staring for a brief moment as we then both turn to eachother, lying on our sides. I am looking into your eyes and you are looking into mine. I look at every inch of your body, then interlocking my cocks into yours once again. I inhale as you take a deep breath. I then begin to speak in a soft whisper. I tell you this is everything. You are all I've wanted. You were in all my dreams. You love me the way I wanted. You care for me like no one else has. I appreciate everything you've ever done for me, everything you've spent on me, everything you've said to me and everything you've felt for me. You are the only one I want. I am in love with you. Please keep me forever. Locked away in the eternity of time. You are different. You give me ideas. Thoughts, feelings, unlived visions of places I've never been or never knew existed, walking beside you in every one. It may be simple to state how I feel about you and say I love you a thousand times, but it is all too complex to fully give you the understanding of the meaning of the immense amount of love and appreciation I have for you. I tell you you're the one. You're everything anyone could ever ask for. I am thankful to have you in my life. I love you. I then pause and look into your eyes. You don't say anything. You can see the moon reflecting onto the calm ocean. A warm chilling feeling flows throughout my body as I watch you begin to slowly close your eyes and bring your body closer to me. Your face inching towards mine. As I close my eyes, I take one deep breath, tasting the chilled ocean air. I slowly bring myself closer to you, as you put your arms around me. I can feel your body heat and your soft hands touching my body. Our lips then touch. We kiss. Passionate, gentle, everlasting. This one kiss expresses all my thoughts, feelings, emotions and every little detail of every little existing idea, dream, form of all the words and feelings that I've developed for you. That moment, it was all unveiled. We lied there for minutes, sharing this dream we both created together. As we slowly move our faces away, I lay my head upon your shoulder and your arms around my body. The night had never seemed so bright and beautiful up until this day. It's like the world turned and everything completely changed. Everything was clear and I can actually breathe and feel each beat of my heart pound against my chest, as the blood slowly flows through my body. I can feel, hear, touch, taste, see, smell and understand everything, in what now feels like what is heaven. Lifelessly floating on a cloud, feeling fully alive. The feeling of being so unrealistically content and that a perfect life and person can exist is far beyond anything I could have ever perceived. You are my savior and meaning for existance. I thank you for everything you will do and being there, always. We lie, staring into the sky feeling the air get colder as the night becomes later. It doesn't bother me though. My body is filled with a warming sense of completion. Everything I'd dreamed of having is fulfilled, finally. I close my eyes and daydream once again of having and sharing this same exact moment with you. Soon enough the stars slowly fade away as the sky becomes lighter and the light of the sun pierces through the sky, slowly rising as time repeats itself once again. But this time is new. The feeling of being reborn into a life that you feel you've lived every single day. It feels so right. Life is beautiful with you. I appreciate things much more thoroughly. I love you. I always will.